My Rants

This is call a blog for a fucking reason and that is to say what you want no matter what the consequences are.No matter how the senstive or painful the subject is,this is a place of zen for a person to let everything out and hopefully he or she will be a bit better once everything is translated onto a post.

I am in a mess right now and this is what I want to do now.POST something on this pathetic blog of mine and I don't give a damn what people think and happens next.I just want to blog.

Im no Mark Zuckerberg as potrayed in the Social Network.In that movie,while blogging the ugly truth about his ex-girlfriend and slightly tipsy,he went to create FaceMash and then went on to start up something called Facebook.Have you heard of it yet?Like they say what happens after that is history.What can I say?That guy is a genious.But..what a minute.Im not here to talk about Mark or anyone else.Im no genious even though I am onto my 2nd glass of Macallan.There is a similarity but unlike Mark,Im not goin to create anything that is out of this world but I just want to freaking post a blog.Period.

Am I a pathetic loser who keeps reminding myself of the past?Here I am consoling others to let go of the past and move on but in actual fact,Im a hypocrite.Here I am telling people that partying is the way to go in order to feel good about yourself but in actual fact,I hate parties and only attend if Im forced to go.Here I am telling people that doing irrational stuffs like suicide and excessive smoking will not cure the pain but in truth,Im drink myself to sleep.What the fuck is goin on with me?

I lied.I lied to alot of people.I lied to the people I hold dear and whenever I see them,it kills me that I am lying in front of their faces.Fuck me man.Why I lied you ask?Because I hate to see them worry about me.I have done enough of bothering them.Fullstop.Every once in a while when I see them,I have to put on my fucking poker face where in truth,Im swallowing everything to make sure I look "FINE" in front of them.Am I good?No!Not a chance in hell!I apologize guys.I really do.

What is becoming of me?Have I changed for the better or for the worse?There was a time ago where I stand by the rules and believe in good values kinda of thing because I was naive to think that by being a good person,nothing bad will happen to me and people could see through my kindness but I was proven WRONG!!!I was treated like some unwanted rubbish and I lost my pride,integrity and self confidence by being so STUPID!!!

People say that if a person has a wide forehead,he is bound to be smart.I have a wide forehead..I think but Im not smart but the reason of my wide forehead is due to the fact that I spent most of my thinking.Not thinking of the next bubble that could make me rich but thinking of the past and the unnecessary.How pathetic can that be right?No matter how hard I try to forget the past,the mind will project dozens of stuffs from the past.It's like tit for tat.One memory gone and then one menory in.Fucking ass.How can you move to the present and the future if you are still in the past?Tell me how coz I badly need a fucking sensible and proven advice!!!

Migraines.Headaches.Insomnia.Nothing unusual for me.I get that alot with that I think Im immune by it.Everytime the mind will keep swirling something toxic.It's so powerful that in most cases if not all,I didnt put up a fight against the toxic.I simply can't.The best way to handle that toxic is to overwork myself till the point that my whole body starts to shake and shouting for me to stop and if I stop,the toxic will be there again to incur more pain than ever.No remedies.No cures.NO HOPE.

Have I achieve anything yet?Im not sure about what the rest are judging but the stuffs that was awarded to me was just pure luck.Nothing extravagant.Nothing spectacular.It's all pure luck.The scholarships,the prizes was all luck.I couldnt done it without the support of my friends.Thanks guys.Like I said,Im not a genius.Im not smart.I don't have any talent at all.Im only lucky to be there and about.THAT'S IT.You coulld easily find someone who can outdo,outsmart and outlast me anytime and I MEAN ANYTIME,

Im on my 3rd glass of Macallan.Everytime when I am at my office,I look at myself and said this has got to end,the sooner the better.Easier said then done.Whenever someone goes into my office and tell me about their problems,flashbacks comes in an instant and that sucks because I couldn't control it.Sometimes,I just want to shut my office door and barred people from entering with their problems but I can't.I don't have the heart to reject them and at the end of the day,Im the victim.Not them but ME!!!

Am I being this way because Im lonely?It's been 2 years.2 years of obscurity.2 years and I can't swallow of what had happened.I told myself that I don't want to see her again but there is a slight itch that I want our past back to the present and the future.Y?I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.It's just maybe I need a closure and without that closure,I don't think that toxic will just disappear from my body.Have I not been a good guy when we were together?Tell me!!!I shouldnt have convinced myself that you are the one and due to that,my conviction still stuck onto and the only way to unstuck is to know the truth.THE UGLY FACT!!!but till now,I've yet to know.

Not only I lied.I hurt people.I was so fucking scared to get hurt that due to my naiveness and carelessness,I am hurting the people around me.Suddenly I became a selfish son of a gun.Im not going to mention any names here but I know that you know that you're the one hurt and even though I know that apologies are the weakest excuse for me to say,I wana apologize to you for being the victim of the incompetence of handling myself.

All in all,I am a fucking loser with no sense of directions in life.Let me be by myself and in that way,I won't lie and I won't hurt anyone.After tommorow's meeting with Tracy,I wana be on my own and it's time for me to stop the endless bothering and disturbance to the people that I have caused.I think it's time for me to look at myself and say FUCKING STOP IT AND DO IT YOURSELF!!!It's me and me and me.Nobody else.

Im at my 4th Macallan and havinga terrible migraine now.My legs and my fingers are shaking but I don't give a damn because it's normal to me.Nothing is right with me now and in the near future.Im popping my pills now as we speak and hopefully in a couple of minutes,I will just lie face flat on my bed and have at least 6 hours of peace and freedom form the mind.

I know there will be some grammatical errors but like said earlier,this is what I want and I don't give a fucking care whether it's right or wrong as long my conscience is clear.

Hope to see you people soon.

FUCK MY LIFE!!!